Dear Haya,

I am a mother of three children, all under the age of 10 – two of them are in school and one is a toddler. My problem is that I can’t spend quality time with my children as a busy housewife and can hardly control how they are doing at school. Both my daughters go to school, but I still feel strongly guilty about my lack of involvement in their academic lives.

This is primarily due to the pressure of managing domestic duties and living in a joint family. We are a big family, and the responsibilities are set accordingly. I don’t mind managing my responsibilities and do my best to give as much attention to my young children as I can.

This guilt about not being able to invest time in their academic life just makes me feel terrible as a mother. After I finish all my chores at night, it’s time to put my kids to sleep. There is a continuous cycle of mother guilt that I experience. How do I work around it? Please help!

— A guilty mother

Dear Guilty Mother,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your heartfelt concerns. As a mother of three young children living in a joint family, your challenges are valid and deeply relatable. Balancing responsibilities while striving to be fully present for your children is a lot to bear, and the guilt you experience reflects how much you care about their well-being. It is these experiences that make you human.

You’ve already identified the key area you struggle with – struggling to spend enough quality time with your children and being less involved in their academic lives due to the demands of managing a busy household. It’s clear that the attention you’re able to give doesn’t feel like enough to you, which can understandably be discouraging.

Let’s explore what you can do to solve this challenge.

The first thing to understand is that you are a human being with limited energy and time. It’s impossible to do everything perfectly, and that’s okay. Managing your time and energy in ways that feel most resourceful to you is key to finding balance.

With limited time and energy in mind, ask yourself what matters most to you.

If your involvement in your children’s lives is something you truly value, you will need to adjust your time and energy accordingly. How to get started:

Ask yourself:

• What specific ways can I create quality time with my children, even in small moments?
• Are there household responsibilities I can delegate or streamline?
• How can I strike a balance that allows me to feel more involved without overwhelming myself?

Here are some ways you can:

Ask for help and delegate some tasks: Living in a joint family can be an advantage. Reach out to your family members and let them know how this situation is affecting you and the children. Share specific ways they can support you, whether it’s taking on some chores or helping with childcare.

Set boundaries: Delegate specific times when you focus on your children without the interruption of household chores.

Prioritize connection over perfection: Children value love and presence more than perfection. Even a few minutes of conscious connection can make a huge difference in their emotional and academic lives.

Create small, meaningful moments: A good night chat about their day, a quick cuddle or asking them a specific question about school (“What did you learn today that made you smile?”) would give you some time to connect with them .

Turn duties into bonding opportunities: Involve your school-aged children in small, age-appropriate household tasks. It not only eases your burden but also gives you time together.

Make mini-rituals with the children: Children thrive on predictability. Small, regular rituals can help you stay connected without requiring significant time. For example, a 10-minute “school highlights” talk over dinner, reading a story together before bed, writing little notes in their packed lunches to show you care.

Reframe your guilt: Know that you are human and you are doing the best you can. No parent can do everything perfectly. Focus on what you do and what you can do and pick your battles. Reframe your guilt with gratitude, acknowledging that your love and effort, although not always visible to you, is felt by your children. Express and communicate with them how you feel about them.

Remember, it’s natural to feel like you’re falling short, but it’s important to give yourself grace. Recognize and celebrate your small wins; Every smile, every hug, every completed task is proof of your hard work and love.

What really matters is the love and care you pour into your family every day. Even small adjustments to your routine can lead to meaningful changes. You do the best you can.

– Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), practicing corporate wellness strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organizational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.

Send her your questions to [email protected]

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