Dear Haya,
I am writing to you with great concern. My partner says he’s breaking up with me. He says he loves me but we are not compatible and all this is happening because of a fight. He has now decided to end our relationship.
For context, we’ve been together for five years and it’s beyond me how a small argument has brought him to a point where he insists on breaking up. I am extremely confused and hurt as I try to figure out how to resolve this matter. I’m wondering if it’s really about compatibility or if there’s something deeper that I’m unable to realize.
This has never happened before and I am losing my mind wondering if we will ever go back to being the same couple. Please help me understand how to navigate this situation!
Dear anon,
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. Five years is a long time to be with someone and to end the relationship so abruptly is extremely painful and upsetting.
When a partner suddenly introduces the idea of a breakup after an argument, it will naturally create a lot of confusion and your mind will naturally search for deeper meanings.
Although he says it’s because of one fight, relationships usually end not because of one fight, but because that fight touches on an old wound, an unmet need, or lingering frustration or anger that was never fully expressed. Often the argument becomes a gateway to something that was already going on under the surface.
It doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is over for good, it just means there’s more under the surface.
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Here’s what could happen:
- He may be overwhelmed, not just done: Sometimes people bring up compatibility when what they’re really feeling is emotional exhaustion, fear, or insecurity. Ending things can feel easier than having difficult, uncomfortable conversations.
- His reaction may reflect his inner world, not your relationship as a whole: People with avoidant tendencies often withdraw intensely during conflict. Ending something feels safer to them. Something may have been triggered in him.
- There may be unspoken anger/unmet needs: Often in relationships, when there are sudden outbursts, they signal unmet needs that may not show until a conflict forces them to the surface.
Let’s take a look at what you can do:
Give space: You may feel called to constantly fix things, but stepping back and giving a relationship a breather helps determine the emotional intensity on both sides.
Express your feelings clearly and calmly: Tell him how much the relationship means to you. Ask him what’s bothering him, let him know you’re open to understanding and working through it. Be curious.
Reflect on the relationship beyond this moment: Has he struggled with communication before? Does he tend to shut down or avoid tough conversations? What are the relationship patterns? Has he hinted at feeling misunderstood or disconnected? Relationship patterns give you an insight into the relationship.
Reflect on relationship compatibility: Do you feel that the relationship is compatible? How does the relationship feel to you?
Remind yourself that a relationship can survive a breakup: Conflicts occur all the time and can be worked through, but only if both people want the same thing. You cannot force reconciliation. You can invite it, but both partners must meet each other halfway.
Start here, but first you need to protect your own emotional well-being. Our nervous system tends to go into stress mode when something we have trusted becomes uncertain. Anchor yourself and your nervous system. It’s important for you to slow down so you can react instead of reacting out of fear.
The outcome is not yet determined, but what you have control over is your clarity, your dignity and the way you show up and approach the situation.
Best wishes,
– Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), practicing corporate wellness strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organizational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
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